Tall Tale

Tall Tale

I stand 6’8“ tall.

As I grew up (pun intended), strangers would approach and ask, “How’s the weather up there?” or “You must be a basketball player.” To which I often replied: “No, I’m a jockey. I race Clydesdales.”

While height is an advantage in many things (basketball, painting ceilings and dusting the tops of armoires), it also has disadvantages (driving almost any car, flying coach on any airline, getting up from sofas). As a youth, I read about an operation by Danish doctors to shorten a tall person’s legs by 3-4 inches. My mother refused to shell out the money for the airfare and surgery.

My size did provide an advantage in athletics. I was somewhat coordinated, so my height helped in basketball (obviously), baseball and – because I’m also substantially north of 200 pounds – football.

At age 50, I gave up basketball for golf. Hitting a ball that’s standing still … how hard can that be?

I purchased my first set of clubs, labeled “extra long,” from a discount golf chain. Now, “extra long” seems to work well for clothing, but it didn’t work for golf clubs. After a few years of struggling, I went to a custom golf club fitter. He watched me hit, took measurements and told me my clubs needed to be 4 inches longer and 4 inches more upright than standard size.

My golf game continued to flounder with the new clubs, and my frustration grew. I bought a putter and was told to extend its length by 3 inches. I then went to a putting clinic and was told to choke down on the same putter by at least 3 inches. I mean, c’mon!

The golf pro at the club I joined watched me hit, took measurements, and told me my clubs were too long. Again, I burnt more money on new clubs.

I tried taking lessons from a number of pros, with no significant improvement. It never occurred to me that maybe a pro who stands 5’9“ cannot relate to someone of my stature.

My most recent purchase was a new driver. The usual confusion over what’s the best length ensued, and it was determined that my driver should be 1/2 inch shorter than standard! My game didn’t improve.

Had I done my due diligence about the sport, I would have discovered that only two professional golfers who stood 6’4“ or taller were successful in their professional careers. Height is no advantage in golf. The physics don’t work. While I may be able to generate club speed and hit the ball a long distance, any deviation out of the correct plane creates monumental hooks and slices (aka disasters).

I rarely drive the golf cart because I can’t get my legs under the steering wheel; tree limbs always seem a little lower on the golf course than on public streets; and I always have to depend on the kindness of other golfers to concede my last putt so that I don’t have to bend all the way down to remove my ball from the cup.

So why do I continue to play a game that relentlessly drives me crazy? It’s simple. I get away from the office and everyday stress. I get to commune with nature. I enjoy the camaraderie of my fellow golfers. Finally, I get to confront the golf demons with the hope that I will overcome them, even though my chances seem to diminish by the hour.

But then again, there’s always one more option for improving my game: Denmark.